Not doing very well today. Had a rough night and morning. My inlaws went home for the weekend and Nick didnt want anything to do with Lew last night. I had to sit in a chair in his room several times overnight when he woke up crying and wanted me to lay down with him but i couldnt do it. I was afraid he would kick me in the stomach by accident or something. Then he woke up at 6am and when i got out of my bed i though i was going to faint. I am having major outer body experiences...i mean is this really a good idea to have ZERO calories for 7 straight days? I know the dr knows best but i am starting to fade.
Can't write much more, having trouble getting my minimum water down...i am so sick of it. Had some disgusting chicken broth last night and almost gagged it was so nasty. My only solace was my sugar free pops and now they are giving me diarrehea which i can not afford to have. If i get dehydrated i will be back in that hospital.
I am feeling mad, frustrated, sad and just so helpless right now. I want my life back. Now. It's a rainy Saturday morning and I want a freaking cup of Kona coffe, and while i'm at it, i'll take a couple of those frosted pop tarts that have been staring me down all week from the pantry. Later I want to cook a big comforting family dinner and then i want to open a bottle of wine and watch a movie tonite.
It's not even an option...I wouldnt try to eat anything because i am too terrified of ending up back in the OR, and I know i couldnt even get it down. But I am already missing food so badly and i didnt expect it to happen so soon.
I guess it started when my parents ate a steak bomb and meatball and cheese subs in front of me for lunch yesterday, then had Lew bring home friend clams, scallops and onion rings for dinner. I told them it was ok and it wouldnt bother me. But let me tell you it did...big time. Well too bad for me, its gonna be a long 8 weeks of this crap so i might as well get used to it.
Ok I am really off the deep end now. Lew just called to say he and Nick just left Daddy and Me and they are going to Dunkin Donuts (their Saturday morning ritual) so i freaked out on him and hung up. I think i better go try and lie down - not in a good place.
ps have i mentioned i would give anything to wake up from this bad dream and then immediately cancel my surgery? seriously
pps have i mentioned i have lost 24 pounds in less than 3 weeks and i dont give a shit?
1 comment:
Debbie,
I'm not comfortable posting public comments, but it's not about me right now and all about you. A day hasn't gone by, since we talked one month ago, that I haven't thought of you, prayed for you and supported you. I certainly can't comprehend what you are going through. However, you told me a year ago that you wanted to live for Nick. I can't imagine a greater incentive than that beautiful, little boy. You made the right decision, so don't look back and second guess it. Look forward to the many years you have gained and allow the faith that was instilled in us to carry you through this very difficult time. You have a wonderful husband, great family and supportive friends. So much to live for. I know today is a gloomy Saturday but the sun is bound to shine and there will be brighter days coming your way. Love, friendship and prayers. Gayle
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