Big Girls Don't Cry

Ok so in an effort to talk myself off the ledge, and calm the fears of so many who expressed concern today....I am going to say goodbye for now to the negative and try and focus on the positive. Tonite could be more of a transition...but I will get there.

First of all, thank you to everyone who emailed, commented or called me today after reading the blog. I won't name names because you know who you are, but let me say that your positive words of encouragement were truly needed and appreciated. I have the most incredible friends who have been in my life no matter the number on the scale, and for that I am truly blessed and grateful.

Ok so the day didn't get any better. At all. I tried to motivate and took a shower so we could head out to Dan and Aly's for the twins 2 year bday party. I was feeling good when the sun came out (as many of you promised!) and i was able to put on a bra i hadn't been able to snap in at least a year. Then i threw on a cotton Lands End dress for comfort and it was too big. That was a surprise, wasn't expecting those kind of things to happen this early.

We made it about 4 miles down the road when i had to ask Lew to turn around. I was feeling every single bump in the road, and i was so nervous about being in the car so soon after surgery. I was sitting in the back with a pillow, but could not use the seatbelt as it would lay right over my incisions. I was so bummed I had to go home but it turned out for the best. I was exhausted and ended up sleeping for 3 hours while the boys went to the party. I really needed it.

I have to say i had some wild dreams and i am sure they have tons of meaning. In one i am at this old fashioned 50's like McDonalds and Nick and I are going down a twisty water slide...when we get to the bottom we get a happy meal! In another, I find myself in this japanese hibachi restaurant and they start coooking all this amazing stuff right in front of me after they have already delivered platters of sushi. Bizarre. I will say I LOVE fast food and I wont deny it. I also LOVE sushi and have been craving it big time. And I wanted desperately to go to a japanese hibatchi grill for some bizarre reason last month before my pre-op diet started and despite several attempts it never happened. Final but perhaps most important observation- not once in these dreams do i recall myself actually eating any of the food. I just kept staring at it all in amazement. I am also not sure if i was fat or slimmer, but i remember hesitating at the top of the water slide, afraid i would not fit through.

I went for a few walks up and down the street and got in more water today then yesterday which was good. Had some sugar free jello but that didnt agree with me either, so i am wondering what the deal is with this sugar free stuff? I remember this being a problem for me when I did HMR. I could not tolerate the Davinci syrups and my nutritionist told me I was probably sensitive to the sugar alcohols. I have to investigate if everything sugar free translates to sugar alcohols. Seems like it's all pretty useless anyway once i can have protein rich items.

I watched the Ted Kennedy coverage this afternoon, and tried to keep sipping as much as i could. I wished i were at work. I cant stand being out of the newsroom when there is breaking news. That was the reason i went back into the crazy business after a brief hiatus to corporate hell. When 9-11 happened, i felt like a fish out of water. I guess you are just born to do what you end up doing, at least if you are lucky. Although I saw the memo about the big pizza delivery and that would have been ugly.

Ok I think i'll just go to bed and write about that positive stuff tomorrow cuz i dont feel the vibe right now. I think I will committ to one thing before I sign off. I am going to put away all my WLS (weight loss surgery) books and stop surfing all the websites for info and to compare my situation...because it is making me crazy and pissing me off. Everytime I read something, the person was pretty much eating bacon and eggs by now. Not to mention they all go home from the hospital on pain meds, and get to start a pretty liberal diet right away. Now I know that's why i chose Dr. Ameri, but it does suck right about now. I'd at least be jazzed to pop some codeine-though how i dont know. Dr. Ameri does not believe in pain meds once you are dicharged...he says it just slows the recovery process. Come to think of it, I asked one of the nurses in the OR prep about why this program was so strict compared to all the others i had heard about and she said many surgeons find it more marketable and consumer friendly to advertise that they dont require a pre-op diet. I thought that was very interesting. I certainly never thought of all this as a business, but i suppose it is for some. Definitely not Dr. Ameri. In fact, at the support group meetings, he tells everyone that he does not sell this operation to anyone and if he can scare anyone out of the room he is happy to do it. Maybe i should have listened clsoer to that part?

Ok I promise we will be on the upswing tomorrow...hey it's a big day- i get to go on full liquids...which means i can finally start having protein shakes. Please god let me be able to tolerate them.

A final thought from one of my favorite artists, Brian Andreas:

"In my dream, the angel shrugged & said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand."