Doubts and Digressions

Well I haven't been blogging for a few days because I didnt want to admit what a mess I am....maybe not even to myself. I have really struggled with this liquid diet...to be totally honest I have not done well. I have fallen off the wagon several times- just completely caved due to starvation and frustration. That has led to feelings of guilt, failure, and fear, as I wonder if i am really going to be ok with this life change. I knew it would be hard, but my lack of willpower surprises me with a vengance.

Had my Pre-Admissions Testing at Winchester Hospital yesterday...EKG, Chest Xray and some blood work. Had to pay my $440 co-pay for the surgery, which is a bargain considering its a 30 thousand dollar procedure.

Next Lew and I met with Louise and Dr. Ameri for my final weigh in and chat before surgery. Here's where it all fell apart. Lew felt strongly that I should come clean about cheating on the liquid diet...he is concerned that i am putting myself at risk for problems down the road. To put it mildly, Louise was not happy with me. She read my the riot act, as she should, but i was really upset. Had a total breakdown in the exam room and by the time poor Sheila came in I was hyperventilating. Sheila is an angel, made me feel so much better and told me i was not the only one who cheats on this pre-op diet, i am just one of the few who admits to it. I guess misery loves company because that made me feel better. Dr.Ameri came in and told me he was warned that i was crying...how embarrassing! But the man is just a saint, he said all the right things and made me feel so much better. I trust him 150% and know that I am in the best hands possible. You just get this vibe from him that he really is concerned for your happiness and best outcome, he is so not your average doctor, never mind surgeon. We talked about the recent 60 minutes segment on the surgery and i promised to try and get him a copy through work. We also talked about doing a documentary down the road with NECN that I could produce. I have to formulate a proposal and pitch this to Iris.

So the plan is to try and do the very best i can on this knowing that after surgery there is no cheating, it's not even an option. I do feel that I am ready and that i won't have a problem once i have the procedure. I will be too terrified of screwing up my pouch. Right now, I still have a monster tummy that is very demanding so it's been a real challenge. I went to work after the appt and stayed busy...I was so hungry I was having an outer body experience.

I had a really tough day today, just very depressed and overwhelmed. Stuck to my diet all day, yogurt, shakes and pudding...then broke down and had a few cheese and crackers after Nick went to bed. We were supposed to go to a Kentucky Derby party but I was too nervous about all the food and alcohol...so i spent the day feeling sorry for myself and crying all day. I pray i can shake this after the surgery because i am really worried about how i am feeling.

We did get alot done today preparing for our big yard sale next weekend, once i decided to get out of bed i tried to focus on that and it was good to clean out all the closets and cellar of junk...most of it never even opened. I hope people buy it or its going in the trash! i am tired of all this STUFF.

Well hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I really do want to do this, I have to keep my eye on the prize. I will regret it forever if I dont roll the dice, not knowing if this was my chance to finally be healthy and truly happy.