So after 3 failed attempts with 3 different friends, I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be among the first to see the big Sex in the City premiere this weekend. In my pre-op life, I would have been the one organizing a big girls night out- complete with dinner and cosmos all around before and after the flick.
So the thought of going and sipping my lame protein drink and going directly home after was depressing enough...especially with all the hoopla and fancy parties and red carpet events going on in Boston to celebrate the movie. My friend Kathy (the Cougar) was going with her sister and a group of girls and I was so jealous. I helped her pick out a few things to order on the Elephant Walk menu and was longing for the Loc Lac of my yesteryears.
To add insult to injury, I have not lost a single pound since my doc visit on Tuesday. I am really freaking out about it. How can you possibly be on a freaking liquid diet with about 300 calories a day and not lose weight? I called Louise on Friday in a panic and she told me it was normal and to stop weighing myself everyday. Ya right. Let me tell you, if I did all this to lose 35 pounds I am going to jump off a bridge. That god damn scale better start moving or else.
It's been a rough week, Nick had some night terrors and it was awful. He was up screaming for an hour 2 nights this week...it was really scary because he was flipping out but he wasn't full awake and we could not console him.
On the upside, we went to Davis Farmland yesterday with Aunt Aly and the boys and we all had a great time. Poor Nick was afraid of the animals but he loved the sprinkler park and playgrounds. It was a long day....he took a late nap on the way home so we took him bowling for the first time last night too. He was so darn cute in his little bowling shoes! Cracked me up! We went to Lanes and Games in Cambridge and i was so psyched because it was totally empty. We had the whole place to ourselves. Strange on a Friday night I thought but the guy told me it was pretty normal in the summer. Nick did a really good job- he has a mean diaper shot and they had bumper lanes too. After a few strings he was much more interested in the vending machines and video games...but we had a good time.
I was really hungry yesterday, and I dont think it was head hunger. I tried to drink as much as i could because it was hot and we were out in the sun all day but i just couldnt quench my thirst. I realized my drink has 40 mg of caffeine in it so that's not good- I just wasnt thinking and it hit me yesterday. So i am gonna try and trade my iced teas in for green tea today. I dont need the caffeing dehydrating me.
Overall I feel pretty good...but I am really bummed out about this plateau. I know they happen down the road, but in this stage? Come on. The only thing keeping me going was the rapid weight loss...it's tough to stay upbeat and drink this crap when I'm not even getting any results. Quite frankly I am pissed off. At least the Celtics clinched.
In honor of the movie that I hope to see one day- here is a thought for the day courtesy of Carrie Bradshaw:
“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Staple Free
Got my staples out today- what a relief. She did it so fast I didnt even realize it was done- didn't feel a thing. Dr. Ameri was happy with my weight loss and intake numbers...but wants me to try and up my fluids. I told him how hard i was trying and just cant imagine how i can get more in. But he said it will happen and be a bit easier each day.
Louise gave me the ok to have some thicker soups since I am tolerating my HMR chicken soup well. I was desperate for something new so I went to Panera and asked for a sample of the Cream of Brocoli cheddar and let me tell you- it was incredible.
Seriously- like Thanksgiving dinner good. It was so funny though, I just told the guy I wasn't sure what i wanted because I realized after having the thimble sized little cup- that I was full! This could be my new racket- going around trying samples of things as I am able to have them! Think of all the money i'll save!
Anyway i am going to keep this short tonite because Lew says my blogs are way too long. I am kind of tired and Nick went to bed super early so he'll be up at the crack.
I was feeling really happy today driving to my appointment, it was gorgeous out, sunroof open, wearing my new sunglasses and feeling good. I had the radio blaring and one of my favorite REO Speedwagon songs came on and as I was belting out the chorus I realized it was kind of my new theme song- i know its corny but that's how i felt! Hopefully I am turning some kind of corner...
"Time for me to fly
Ive got to set myself free
And thats just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly"
Louise gave me the ok to have some thicker soups since I am tolerating my HMR chicken soup well. I was desperate for something new so I went to Panera and asked for a sample of the Cream of Brocoli cheddar and let me tell you- it was incredible.
Seriously- like Thanksgiving dinner good. It was so funny though, I just told the guy I wasn't sure what i wanted because I realized after having the thimble sized little cup- that I was full! This could be my new racket- going around trying samples of things as I am able to have them! Think of all the money i'll save!
Anyway i am going to keep this short tonite because Lew says my blogs are way too long. I am kind of tired and Nick went to bed super early so he'll be up at the crack.
I was feeling really happy today driving to my appointment, it was gorgeous out, sunroof open, wearing my new sunglasses and feeling good. I had the radio blaring and one of my favorite REO Speedwagon songs came on and as I was belting out the chorus I realized it was kind of my new theme song- i know its corny but that's how i felt! Hopefully I am turning some kind of corner...
"Time for me to fly
Ive got to set myself free
And thats just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly"
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day 2 Weeks Post Op
So the weekend has been really good overall. I am pleasantly surprised at how well I am doing handling the food thing. I truly do believe this is the ONLY way I would or could ever lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off....because there is no way I would ever have had the willpower to handle the situations I did this weekend. NO WAY. The ONLY thing keeping me from doing it is the sheer terror of getting sick, or screwing up my stomach to the point of having another surgery. I can't say I am ready to say I did the right thing, although I do feel much better about it. I am down about 35 pounds but I would still trade it for a big cheeseburger right this very second.
Alot of people say that after surgery they dont think about food as much...or care about it at all. That has not been the case for me, at all. Maybe in time, it's still so early. I cant believe it's been 2 weeks today. I find that food consumes my thoughts all day long. Before I actually didnt think about it half as much because I knew I could have what i wanted and I was going to eat it no matter what. Now I am constantly thinking about what is in the house, what i would eat if I could, what everyone around me is eating, and I am transferring my obsession with my next meal to everyone else. Which I am sure is really annoying so I am trying to lay off. I keep trying to micro manage everyone's food, asking them what are they going to have for dinner? What should i take out to defrost, what side dishes do they want with it? No one else seems to care about it in the least- except for me. I guess I am trying to live through everyone around me. Also the left overs are driving me CRAZY. I can't stand wasted food- one of the things that got me in trouble in the first place and no one is eating any of the stuff i would usually be happily chowing down.
Not only do I love left overs, I might even like them better than the original meal. I like to get creative with them and dream up a second fabulous dish to try and top the first. Sitting in the fridge this weekend after all the bbq's and eating out, were 2 huge slices of cheese pizza, a big piece of marinated grilled chicken, olive and rosemary oven fries, a big dish of leftover ziti with meatsauce, and about a half a pound of baked ham. Everytime I open the fridge to get one of my protein drinks, it all taunts me, even though I know its not even a possibility. So I kept nagging everyone (Lew, my parents and Nick) to eat the stuff. But every meal they wanted something new. MADDENING! Ok I have to let that go now.
I am especially proud of the fact that I had a great time at my brother's BBQ yesterday. The food was plentiful and smelled amazing...but I stayed busy talking to everyone and playing with the kids. I did bring a treat for myself, but it backfired on me. I decided to try a South Beach chocolate truffle mousse cup...sugar free of course...that i found at the supermarket. It comes under the sugar free pudding category of this stage of the diet that I am allowed, so I was excited to try it.
Lesson learned- don't experiment outside the home. I think I may have experience my first dumping episode. It wasn't as bad as many I have read and heard about....but it wasn't pleasant. First of all, if you haven't had WLS, run dont walk and buy these asap. 60 calories of nirvana...it was amazing. So good, that I think I forgot about my new restriction and ate it too fast. Thank god it was really small. I think it was about 4 ounces but I immediately realized I ate WAY too much, too fast, but too late. I sort of felt faint, and my heart was racing. I broke out in a cold sweat and had to run to the bathroom. Thank god it wasn't that bad but I had to chill out and catch my breath for awhile. So although it was so yummy, I was thinking, now why would i waste my time eating that when I need to get in more protein and I have so little time and room each day? I have to make sure every bite counts. Well Lew is happy because now he can eat all the sugar free mousse and pudding cups I bought!
Another great day today...although the hits just keep on coming. Lew Nick and I went to Stage Fort Park in Gloucester...and it was fantastic. I have been going to Gloucester for years to Good Harbor beach, but had never been to this spot. It was perfect with a toddler, because there is so much to do and you get to enjoy the ocean without baking on the sand all day. Nick loved the playgrounds, and we climbed lots of rocks and saw some gorgeous views of the water, boats and lighthouses.
We went down to the beach and collected rocks and shells and then Nick spotted the clam shack. I of course had seen it and smelled it the minute we arrived on scene!
The fried seafood and lobster rolls were almost too much to bear, but Nick had an icecream and we sat at the picnic table and I survived.
I spoke to my online bypass buddy Debbie in Lake Ontario today. We met on a WLS website and had our surgeries scheduled for the same day. I was so happy to talk with her about our experiences. She is doing really well...and is getting in about the same numbers as me for fluid and protein which reassured me, as I have been nervous that I am lagging. She is way ahead of me in the diet stages department though...her doctor seems very lenient and she is already having eggs, mashed potatoes and purees, which sounds like nirvana to me. Well it will all happen in time...better safe than sorry...especially with my track record.
So I see Dr. Ameri tomorrow to get my staples out- I cant wait. I have many questions for him and Louise so I hope I can get some things figured out. I am feeling pretty good and today I was able to get in about 200 calories so that is about double what I have been averaging. I am anxious to find out if that is acceptable at this point because the dietician at the hospital told me I should be aiming for 600 minimum and that seems insane to me right now. I could never get it down.
A few observations: I noticed I was able to cross my legs very easily this weekend which was a good feeling. My clothes are definitely fitting me better- if not loose, they are fitting right and hanging nicely- and I realize I was probably wearing them way too tight- horrifying thought. I finally remembered to put my wedding rings back on and they slid right on- I nearly had to chop my fingers off to get them off for the surgery. And at the risk of burying the lead....it is so truly bizarre to not spend half my day peeing. For those of you who know me well, you know I have always had a major bladder problem, no matter what size I was. Well it's gone! I probably only go about 3 times a day total...and it is just FOREIGN to me! I was so used to always doing my pee dance, scoping out bathrooms in every store, restaurant, public place imaginable, and yes even wetting my pants on many occasions. It is such a relief to not worry about that anymore! I hope it lasts as I try and improve my fluid intake.
Thought for the day- it is actually a Memorial Day quote I saw today but I think it could be applied to many situations...
"Valor grows by daring, fear by holding back.”
Alot of people say that after surgery they dont think about food as much...or care about it at all. That has not been the case for me, at all. Maybe in time, it's still so early. I cant believe it's been 2 weeks today. I find that food consumes my thoughts all day long. Before I actually didnt think about it half as much because I knew I could have what i wanted and I was going to eat it no matter what. Now I am constantly thinking about what is in the house, what i would eat if I could, what everyone around me is eating, and I am transferring my obsession with my next meal to everyone else. Which I am sure is really annoying so I am trying to lay off. I keep trying to micro manage everyone's food, asking them what are they going to have for dinner? What should i take out to defrost, what side dishes do they want with it? No one else seems to care about it in the least- except for me. I guess I am trying to live through everyone around me. Also the left overs are driving me CRAZY. I can't stand wasted food- one of the things that got me in trouble in the first place and no one is eating any of the stuff i would usually be happily chowing down.
Not only do I love left overs, I might even like them better than the original meal. I like to get creative with them and dream up a second fabulous dish to try and top the first. Sitting in the fridge this weekend after all the bbq's and eating out, were 2 huge slices of cheese pizza, a big piece of marinated grilled chicken, olive and rosemary oven fries, a big dish of leftover ziti with meatsauce, and about a half a pound of baked ham. Everytime I open the fridge to get one of my protein drinks, it all taunts me, even though I know its not even a possibility. So I kept nagging everyone (Lew, my parents and Nick) to eat the stuff. But every meal they wanted something new. MADDENING! Ok I have to let that go now.
I am especially proud of the fact that I had a great time at my brother's BBQ yesterday. The food was plentiful and smelled amazing...but I stayed busy talking to everyone and playing with the kids. I did bring a treat for myself, but it backfired on me. I decided to try a South Beach chocolate truffle mousse cup...sugar free of course...that i found at the supermarket. It comes under the sugar free pudding category of this stage of the diet that I am allowed, so I was excited to try it.
Lesson learned- don't experiment outside the home. I think I may have experience my first dumping episode. It wasn't as bad as many I have read and heard about....but it wasn't pleasant. First of all, if you haven't had WLS, run dont walk and buy these asap. 60 calories of nirvana...it was amazing. So good, that I think I forgot about my new restriction and ate it too fast. Thank god it was really small. I think it was about 4 ounces but I immediately realized I ate WAY too much, too fast, but too late. I sort of felt faint, and my heart was racing. I broke out in a cold sweat and had to run to the bathroom. Thank god it wasn't that bad but I had to chill out and catch my breath for awhile. So although it was so yummy, I was thinking, now why would i waste my time eating that when I need to get in more protein and I have so little time and room each day? I have to make sure every bite counts. Well Lew is happy because now he can eat all the sugar free mousse and pudding cups I bought!
Another great day today...although the hits just keep on coming. Lew Nick and I went to Stage Fort Park in Gloucester...and it was fantastic. I have been going to Gloucester for years to Good Harbor beach, but had never been to this spot. It was perfect with a toddler, because there is so much to do and you get to enjoy the ocean without baking on the sand all day. Nick loved the playgrounds, and we climbed lots of rocks and saw some gorgeous views of the water, boats and lighthouses.
We went down to the beach and collected rocks and shells and then Nick spotted the clam shack. I of course had seen it and smelled it the minute we arrived on scene!
The fried seafood and lobster rolls were almost too much to bear, but Nick had an icecream and we sat at the picnic table and I survived.
I spoke to my online bypass buddy Debbie in Lake Ontario today. We met on a WLS website and had our surgeries scheduled for the same day. I was so happy to talk with her about our experiences. She is doing really well...and is getting in about the same numbers as me for fluid and protein which reassured me, as I have been nervous that I am lagging. She is way ahead of me in the diet stages department though...her doctor seems very lenient and she is already having eggs, mashed potatoes and purees, which sounds like nirvana to me. Well it will all happen in time...better safe than sorry...especially with my track record.
So I see Dr. Ameri tomorrow to get my staples out- I cant wait. I have many questions for him and Louise so I hope I can get some things figured out. I am feeling pretty good and today I was able to get in about 200 calories so that is about double what I have been averaging. I am anxious to find out if that is acceptable at this point because the dietician at the hospital told me I should be aiming for 600 minimum and that seems insane to me right now. I could never get it down.
A few observations: I noticed I was able to cross my legs very easily this weekend which was a good feeling. My clothes are definitely fitting me better- if not loose, they are fitting right and hanging nicely- and I realize I was probably wearing them way too tight- horrifying thought. I finally remembered to put my wedding rings back on and they slid right on- I nearly had to chop my fingers off to get them off for the surgery. And at the risk of burying the lead....it is so truly bizarre to not spend half my day peeing. For those of you who know me well, you know I have always had a major bladder problem, no matter what size I was. Well it's gone! I probably only go about 3 times a day total...and it is just FOREIGN to me! I was so used to always doing my pee dance, scoping out bathrooms in every store, restaurant, public place imaginable, and yes even wetting my pants on many occasions. It is such a relief to not worry about that anymore! I hope it lasts as I try and improve my fluid intake.
Thought for the day- it is actually a Memorial Day quote I saw today but I think it could be applied to many situations...
"Valor grows by daring, fear by holding back.”
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Boston Kreme Kravings
So I made it through the first meal, Friday night Pizza for all. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I made an HMR soup for the first time and it was really good. I was so relieved I kept it down because it does have milk. So hopefully this lactose thing won't be a problem. I am experimenting slowly. I was only able to have a few ounces in an hour...but it has alot of protein so I was psyched. Next time I will just make have the soup packet so I can have 2 meals out of it.
Had a nice day yesterday, Aly and the boys came over with my parents and stayed for the day. The kids played great and Aly and I were able to go out for an hour so I could do some errands. We went to a couple nutrition stores so i could pick up some more Isopure and scope out some lactose free protein powder. Of course now I prob dont have that problem but it will prob be easier on my stomach anyway. I picked up some Cookies and Cream so I hope its good. For $45 it better be!
Lisa and the boys came over for a little bit too...it's always so nice to see the 6 boys playing together- they are such a rough and tumble crew! I was thinking what a great neighborhood we have. I love when Ken up the street walks by with his dog Jesse -which he does several times a day. Nick gets so excited and yells "Jesse!" and runs out to greet them and pat him. All the boys went over to see them yesterday and it was so cute. Then we took a little walk down the street and Joanne and Maureen came out to see how I was doing. Everyone is so friendly and we have a nice community feel here on Valley Circle. We are very blessed.
So I am gearing up for the donuts and big bbq later today. My parents love donuts and so does Nick, so Lew is going to DD's. I may go for a walk. Every day it does seem to get a bit easier. It is alot easier than when i actually had a choice to eat it or not. When I was on a diet (when wasn't I?) I would usually just cave and end up eating whatever it was anyway- thinking how I would just deprive myself the rest of the day or do extra exercise. Well none of that ever worked so at least this is working. I'm down another pound today- I seem to be losing about a pound a day. It's crazy. I am anxious to for my appt on Tues so I can ask Dr. Ameri when i can do some strength training- i dont want all that flabby skin- need to do arm work asap.
Mom and I are going to get a mani pedi today so that will be nice. Watched the Grey's Anatomny finale last night- oh man that was sooooo good. Love that show.
Well it's off to the races....thought for the day:
"Never eat more than you can lift"
Miss Piggy
Had a nice day yesterday, Aly and the boys came over with my parents and stayed for the day. The kids played great and Aly and I were able to go out for an hour so I could do some errands. We went to a couple nutrition stores so i could pick up some more Isopure and scope out some lactose free protein powder. Of course now I prob dont have that problem but it will prob be easier on my stomach anyway. I picked up some Cookies and Cream so I hope its good. For $45 it better be!
Lisa and the boys came over for a little bit too...it's always so nice to see the 6 boys playing together- they are such a rough and tumble crew! I was thinking what a great neighborhood we have. I love when Ken up the street walks by with his dog Jesse -which he does several times a day. Nick gets so excited and yells "Jesse!" and runs out to greet them and pat him. All the boys went over to see them yesterday and it was so cute. Then we took a little walk down the street and Joanne and Maureen came out to see how I was doing. Everyone is so friendly and we have a nice community feel here on Valley Circle. We are very blessed.
So I am gearing up for the donuts and big bbq later today. My parents love donuts and so does Nick, so Lew is going to DD's. I may go for a walk. Every day it does seem to get a bit easier. It is alot easier than when i actually had a choice to eat it or not. When I was on a diet (when wasn't I?) I would usually just cave and end up eating whatever it was anyway- thinking how I would just deprive myself the rest of the day or do extra exercise. Well none of that ever worked so at least this is working. I'm down another pound today- I seem to be losing about a pound a day. It's crazy. I am anxious to for my appt on Tues so I can ask Dr. Ameri when i can do some strength training- i dont want all that flabby skin- need to do arm work asap.
Mom and I are going to get a mani pedi today so that will be nice. Watched the Grey's Anatomny finale last night- oh man that was sooooo good. Love that show.
Well it's off to the races....thought for the day:
"Never eat more than you can lift"
Miss Piggy
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Holiday Weekend Blues
So in my experience, weekends in general, and especially Holiday Weekends, equal food and drinks. I am having a tough time heading into the Memorial Day weekend because I would usually be planning all our meals and getting excited for the festivities- which are centered on food and cocktails.
I feel like I need to get it out of my system so if I were pre-op, here's a little taste of how the weekend would go:
Friday night: Lobster and steamers on the deck with corn on the cob, lots of butter, beer and champagne for me- I always have bubbles with my lobstah!
Saturday: Surf and Turf bbq- Omaha steaks and grilled colossal shrimp, grilled pineapple, and a big summer salad. Lots of crusty bread for dipping in garlic olive oil and lots of red wine
Sunday: Big BBQ at my brother's- burgers, dogs, chicken and kegs.
Monday: Road trip to Woodmans in Ipswich for the best fried clams and scallops ever and more cold beer.
Ok so you get the picture. My parents are staying with us from Friday- Tues so I would also be baking (which i love and miss) blueberry muffins, coffee cake, and we'd have omelettes one morning and prob go out for breakfast another.
Ok back to my reality. Didnt have a very good day getting in my fluids or protein. My stomach was kind of upset- so I didnt want to push it. I am trying so hard but i haven't found a protein source that agrees with me except Isopure and the flavors are so nasty it kills me to drink it.
Well I hope i can stay busy this weekend, and positive. It's a drag. Everyone had cheeseburgers and dogs on the grill tonite. I've been trying to sit with them at dinner and just have my propel water, but I just couldnt do it tonite. I stayed in the other room watching tv and my little angel brought his plate over and said "mommy i'm gonna eat with you ok?" I started crying and it made me feel so much better that he didnt forget about me. I just want to push the Easy button.
But as my wise friend Julie Kelley reminded me the other day "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." I'm trying Jewels.....
I feel like I need to get it out of my system so if I were pre-op, here's a little taste of how the weekend would go:
Friday night: Lobster and steamers on the deck with corn on the cob, lots of butter, beer and champagne for me- I always have bubbles with my lobstah!
Saturday: Surf and Turf bbq- Omaha steaks and grilled colossal shrimp, grilled pineapple, and a big summer salad. Lots of crusty bread for dipping in garlic olive oil and lots of red wine
Sunday: Big BBQ at my brother's- burgers, dogs, chicken and kegs.
Monday: Road trip to Woodmans in Ipswich for the best fried clams and scallops ever and more cold beer.
Ok so you get the picture. My parents are staying with us from Friday- Tues so I would also be baking (which i love and miss) blueberry muffins, coffee cake, and we'd have omelettes one morning and prob go out for breakfast another.
Ok back to my reality. Didnt have a very good day getting in my fluids or protein. My stomach was kind of upset- so I didnt want to push it. I am trying so hard but i haven't found a protein source that agrees with me except Isopure and the flavors are so nasty it kills me to drink it.
Well I hope i can stay busy this weekend, and positive. It's a drag. Everyone had cheeseburgers and dogs on the grill tonite. I've been trying to sit with them at dinner and just have my propel water, but I just couldnt do it tonite. I stayed in the other room watching tv and my little angel brought his plate over and said "mommy i'm gonna eat with you ok?" I started crying and it made me feel so much better that he didnt forget about me. I just want to push the Easy button.
But as my wise friend Julie Kelley reminded me the other day "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." I'm trying Jewels.....
Chick (fil-A) Magnet
So I know I am not truly hungry but boy am I missing food. I think if I didnt have a kid, this would be SO much easier. But thank god I do, so I have to make 3 meals a day for him never mind snacks- the kid is a big time snacker.
It's been a crazy 24 hours. Went to Mommy and Me with Lisa and Scot. I had to sit in a chair instead of on the floor but Nick didnt mind and had a blast. We painted striped zebras with a marble- Miss Chris the teacher is ingenious- Nick loves the class so much. The Burlington Rec Dept rocks.
My parents came over yesterday and we went to the Burlington mall for a couple hours. It was good to get out but I was wiped after. We walked around for 2 hours and it took alot out of me. I figure I MIGHT have had 100 calories max in the past 12 days...which completely freaks me out when i think about what i used to log in a day. I dont even know how i am functioning. I feel pretty good overall considering.
Anyway we went to Chick fil-A for lunch- I of course had my propel water while everyone chowed down. It was tough. In the old days, Nick would have his kids nugget meal, I'd have the original chicken sandwich with pickles, we'd split his fries and a handspun milkshake. Sometimes we would even share a slice of Pizzeria Regina pizza if we were still hungry. Ya it was bad. I was thinking last night how I was really in detox the past few weeks from my 4 main food groups: Carbs, Sugar, Caffeine and Alcohol. All things considered, I am amazed how good I am feeling. I never even got the dreaded caffeine migraines that I am prone to. Dr. Ameri told me the other day that my body is so relieved to be done with all the toxins and it is just reinventing itself and loving the liquids. So why did it always feel so good to eat and drink that stuff at the time?
Anyway I was really struggling in the afternoon with cravings. I keep thinking about food and all the things I want. I am dreaming about my mashed potatoes week 5. I got depressed around dinner time...helped Nick make a mini pizza, which he loves to do. He has his own pizza kit, with a red checkered apron, pan, cutter and rolling pin.
The damn thing looked so good when it came out I almost cried. Then to add insult to injury- he decided he didnt want it and demanded a can of spaghettios instead. A CRIME! So the damn pizza sat there taunting me and he ate those nasty o's.
Then Lew came home and made one of the Lean Cuisine flatbreads I picked up for him- that smelled pretty amazing too. I found myself giving him dirty looks while he snacked on Nick's pizza while he waited for it to cook. I was so jealous, and thinking, man it would be so incredible to just eat what i want right now and not even been thinking about it. Which by the way is not true for Lew, he has been dieting like crazy and has incredible will power- which is also annoying. He has lost about 25 pounds the past few months and his clothes are falling off.
Tried to watch American Idol finale but i was too bummed out. I finally made an HMR lactose free chocolate shake and that was really good. But i could only get about 5 ounces down and that took me over an hour. You're prob thinking- so what that's good right? Yes for weight loss, but the key to this bypass puzzle is you have to figure out how to get in 60 grams of protein daily and right now it is close to impossible because my pouch is still swollen and healing. So 1 HMR shake is worth 14 grams of protein, but i couldnt even drink half of it. It also doesn't keep well so Lew finished the rest. It's all a learning process and I know it will get easier. I am obsessed with the protein because I am dreading losing hair, which 99% of patients do. Apparently the more protein you can get in, the less hair you lose.
So then the night time games began. It started at 2:30am when Nick snuck into my room and crawled in bed with me. I was nervous because he's a kicker so I laid awake for an hour praying he wouldnt jab me in the gut. Then he said- mommy i'm hungry let's go downstairs. I was wide awake so i said ok. He doesn't do this on a regular basis. He wanted some mini powdered donuts and milk....and let me tell you, so did I. So i set him up....then cleaned the kitchen and organized all my junk baskets while he watched Barney. Thank god for 24 hour Sprout TV. We finally went up around 4:30. I must have just fallen asleep when the dogs started slamming the door trying to get in at 5:30am. What a night...I think i got about 4 hours sleep.
Speaking of which i have to go take a nap. Nick is at school and then my inlaws are going to take him to Whole Foods (his favorite) to look for some sugar free lactose free icecream and milk for me so i can make some shakes. I dont even know if i have the lactose problem, but i figure its safer for right now.
Oh so the reason i sat down to do this now, is i just cleaned up from Nick's lunch- left over chick fil-A and I wanted those nuggests so damn bad. I remembered something i read in Carnie's book so i put one in my mouth and chewed it and then spit it out. While it was quite satisying to chew and taste it, i am kind of disturbed that i did that. I hope its not some weird eating disorder behavior. I am going to try and refrain from doing that again. I cant wait for Tues to get my staples out.
Final note, I am not sure how i feel about David Cook winning Idol. I think he is way more talented than Archie, but Archie was the perfect Idol type kid! Cook seemed more like the Daughtry type and I think he might have better off not winning. I hope I'm wrong- cuz i would buy his music now...I loved Billie Jean! I thought the finale was great- LOVED the ZZ Top number- man Cook was amazing.
Ok down 31 pounds today...in 3 weeks. I'll take it.
It's been a crazy 24 hours. Went to Mommy and Me with Lisa and Scot. I had to sit in a chair instead of on the floor but Nick didnt mind and had a blast. We painted striped zebras with a marble- Miss Chris the teacher is ingenious- Nick loves the class so much. The Burlington Rec Dept rocks.
My parents came over yesterday and we went to the Burlington mall for a couple hours. It was good to get out but I was wiped after. We walked around for 2 hours and it took alot out of me. I figure I MIGHT have had 100 calories max in the past 12 days...which completely freaks me out when i think about what i used to log in a day. I dont even know how i am functioning. I feel pretty good overall considering.
Anyway we went to Chick fil-A for lunch- I of course had my propel water while everyone chowed down. It was tough. In the old days, Nick would have his kids nugget meal, I'd have the original chicken sandwich with pickles, we'd split his fries and a handspun milkshake. Sometimes we would even share a slice of Pizzeria Regina pizza if we were still hungry. Ya it was bad. I was thinking last night how I was really in detox the past few weeks from my 4 main food groups: Carbs, Sugar, Caffeine and Alcohol. All things considered, I am amazed how good I am feeling. I never even got the dreaded caffeine migraines that I am prone to. Dr. Ameri told me the other day that my body is so relieved to be done with all the toxins and it is just reinventing itself and loving the liquids. So why did it always feel so good to eat and drink that stuff at the time?
Anyway I was really struggling in the afternoon with cravings. I keep thinking about food and all the things I want. I am dreaming about my mashed potatoes week 5. I got depressed around dinner time...helped Nick make a mini pizza, which he loves to do. He has his own pizza kit, with a red checkered apron, pan, cutter and rolling pin.
The damn thing looked so good when it came out I almost cried. Then to add insult to injury- he decided he didnt want it and demanded a can of spaghettios instead. A CRIME! So the damn pizza sat there taunting me and he ate those nasty o's.
Then Lew came home and made one of the Lean Cuisine flatbreads I picked up for him- that smelled pretty amazing too. I found myself giving him dirty looks while he snacked on Nick's pizza while he waited for it to cook. I was so jealous, and thinking, man it would be so incredible to just eat what i want right now and not even been thinking about it. Which by the way is not true for Lew, he has been dieting like crazy and has incredible will power- which is also annoying. He has lost about 25 pounds the past few months and his clothes are falling off.
Tried to watch American Idol finale but i was too bummed out. I finally made an HMR lactose free chocolate shake and that was really good. But i could only get about 5 ounces down and that took me over an hour. You're prob thinking- so what that's good right? Yes for weight loss, but the key to this bypass puzzle is you have to figure out how to get in 60 grams of protein daily and right now it is close to impossible because my pouch is still swollen and healing. So 1 HMR shake is worth 14 grams of protein, but i couldnt even drink half of it. It also doesn't keep well so Lew finished the rest. It's all a learning process and I know it will get easier. I am obsessed with the protein because I am dreading losing hair, which 99% of patients do. Apparently the more protein you can get in, the less hair you lose.
So then the night time games began. It started at 2:30am when Nick snuck into my room and crawled in bed with me. I was nervous because he's a kicker so I laid awake for an hour praying he wouldnt jab me in the gut. Then he said- mommy i'm hungry let's go downstairs. I was wide awake so i said ok. He doesn't do this on a regular basis. He wanted some mini powdered donuts and milk....and let me tell you, so did I. So i set him up....then cleaned the kitchen and organized all my junk baskets while he watched Barney. Thank god for 24 hour Sprout TV. We finally went up around 4:30. I must have just fallen asleep when the dogs started slamming the door trying to get in at 5:30am. What a night...I think i got about 4 hours sleep.
Speaking of which i have to go take a nap. Nick is at school and then my inlaws are going to take him to Whole Foods (his favorite) to look for some sugar free lactose free icecream and milk for me so i can make some shakes. I dont even know if i have the lactose problem, but i figure its safer for right now.
Oh so the reason i sat down to do this now, is i just cleaned up from Nick's lunch- left over chick fil-A and I wanted those nuggests so damn bad. I remembered something i read in Carnie's book so i put one in my mouth and chewed it and then spit it out. While it was quite satisying to chew and taste it, i am kind of disturbed that i did that. I hope its not some weird eating disorder behavior. I am going to try and refrain from doing that again. I cant wait for Tues to get my staples out.
Final note, I am not sure how i feel about David Cook winning Idol. I think he is way more talented than Archie, but Archie was the perfect Idol type kid! Cook seemed more like the Daughtry type and I think he might have better off not winning. I hope I'm wrong- cuz i would buy his music now...I loved Billie Jean! I thought the finale was great- LOVED the ZZ Top number- man Cook was amazing.
Ok down 31 pounds today...in 3 weeks. I'll take it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Seriously?
Ok so last we parted with me promising to steer this wild ride toward happier times.
In honor of that promise, I am going to keep the summary of the past 3 days as upbeat as possible. It won't be easy.
Woke up Sunday bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for my first protein shake and boy was I ready. Poured myself a 2 ounce shot of pure chocolate protein and took a tentative sip. I was prepared for just about anything, as I have heard and read all the stories about things you like pre-op suddenly not agreeing with you after surgery. Now it would be hard to convince me that anything chocolate would not be my insta-pal, but i was ready with an arsenal of other flavors in the fridge.
No need to worry, the shake tasted AMAZING. I couldnt believe how well it went down, way easier than water. But then again, I could always find a way to make room for chocolate, that's what got me in this trouble right? So I finished my 'breakfast' and was so ecstatic. I figured I'd better wait a bit and see how I reacted to this first non-clear liquid post op. So I settled in to watch yet another episode of the Doodlebops with the Nick man.
I'll limit my descriptive writing at this point, and you are welcome. Let's just say thing got ugly- fast. I ran to the bathroom, knew i was in big trouble and decided I had to call the doctor. I felt so bad calling him at 8am on a Sunday morning, but the number one rule of being a bypass patient is that you can not get dehydrated- under any circumstances. So after having a few episodes over the weekend, i knew i had to make the call.
Dr. Ameri called me right back and I blurted out the problem to him while trying to control my sobs. You may be thinking, geez its just some diarrehea, calm down girl! But I knew deep down that I was headed back to the hospital for a date with my IV pole, and I was devastated that I couldnt tolerate the protein shake, as i was desperate to move on the next stage of recovery.
After scolding me for not calling him sooner, Dr. Ameri confirmed my fears and told me I had to head back to the hospital for IV therapy and antibiotics. He was also concerned about my state of mind because i was so upset. He asked to talk to Lew and told him this really wans't a big deal and it was an easy fix, assured him it was a blip on the radar.
I was sobbing at this point, trying to pack my bag to head back to A3 (the bariatric floor at Winchester Hospital-the best staff ever by the way.) We were all supposed to be going to a birthday party at our neighbor's house that day for Nick's friend Bryan, and I was so upset I would miss it. Especially after missing the twins party.
I tried to stop crying long enough to tell Nick I was headed back to "work" but I would call him later and to have a great time at the party. He was so excited to be going over in his pajamas to help with the party preps...he was like- yah whatever mom- see ya! Thank for for our neighbors, Lisa and Kevin. They took him right away, dressed him for the party and let him help with the preps- even though they were busy with all their own stuff. We are so blessed to have met them and become such great friends with them. Never underestimate the importance of good neighbors....I pray we will enjoy many good times and memories with them to come.
So Lew brought me to the hospital and I went to check in at central registration. I was blubbering through the process and the secretary said, "I hope you dont mind me saying this, but at times like these, it helps to focus on the fact it could be worse. I know you are going through a tough time, but yesterday i went to a birthday party for a 9 year old with my kids and there were 2 kids there in wheel chairs. I met another mom and she told me they were brother and sister. They were so happy and 'normal' just having fun at the party...until the action moved upstairs. They asked their mom if they could go up and she said no they would have to stay downstairs til the kids came back. I went up to the mom and said, can't they go up? I'll be happy to help you carry them or do whatever it takes? But she said no, sometimes I have to keep it real for them, we just can't do every single thing that other kids do. They'll be fine til the kids come back down."
So of course by the end of this story i am really sobbing, thinking how selfish I am and thank god it's me dealing with all this crap and not my kid. Thinking how my perfectly healthy happy gorgeous child was running around wild at the neighbors party oblivious to my drama. Thinking thank god its me in pain and not him.
I wish I had gotten that woman's name who told me that story, because it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear.
Ok so I'll fast forward through this sob story, more bathroom problems over the next 48 hours, lots of tests, lots of needles, lots of tv. I was put back on NPO which stands for NO PICNIC OBVIOUSLY. No not really, i dont even know what it stands for- except nothing by mouth- period. Not even water. So I was back to my camel in the desert deal....and freaking out again about it to put it mildly.
I spent sunday watching an all day marathon of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" on Bravo. Man that was some good trash tv. I may even start taping it, which would be really pathetic....but hey i have to replace my food habit with something.
Monday Dr. Ameri came by and told me my cultures were all negative so that was good news, but we still had to find out what was causing the problem. He said it was like I had been reborn, with the stomach of a newborn baby, and I had to do some trial and error to figure out how to eat and drink again. So I was back on the clear diet, and another 24 hours of IV fluids. I walked the halls peeking into other patient rooms, trying to figure out what people were in for. I read a bunch of magazines my parents had dropped off for me, I didnt want any visitors...I was just in no mood.
I sipped water, had a pineapple sugar free popsicle that was surprisingly good, and cried off and on for whatever reason as the hours ticked by.
Thank god for all the incredible nurses and nursing assistants on A3. If it weren't for them I dont know what i would have done. They listened to me, let me cry and reminded me it was going to be ok. They also shared many personal success stories with me. Several of the nurses on the floor have had the surgery, and a couple of their mom's too. They gave me all kinds of advice about switching up my protein drinks, and strategies for coping with setbacks. But most of all they told me everyone one of them and thier loved ones was so happy they had the surgery and would do it again in a minute.
So I finally got home today...started on a clear diet again, instead of advancing to full liquids. I'll finish my antiobiotics (have to drink it twice a day for 8 days- pure torture- so nasty.) Got home in time to drop Nick off at pre school and pick him back up...which was great...I was so happy to see him. My inlaws drove, i cant drive til my staples come out.
Doing really well on my new protein drink- Isopure clear liquid. It doesnt taste great but i try not to think about it. At least its not coming out the other end and the protein must be putting some pep in my step because i feel much much better.
Hoping to transition to full liquids after a few days if all is quiet.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. If this turns out to be my only complication- I'll take it. All I know for sure, is I have the best doctor in the world, the best support system at home, and the most wonderful friends I could hope for.
See I promised I'd end on a positive note!
In honor of that promise, I am going to keep the summary of the past 3 days as upbeat as possible. It won't be easy.
Woke up Sunday bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for my first protein shake and boy was I ready. Poured myself a 2 ounce shot of pure chocolate protein and took a tentative sip. I was prepared for just about anything, as I have heard and read all the stories about things you like pre-op suddenly not agreeing with you after surgery. Now it would be hard to convince me that anything chocolate would not be my insta-pal, but i was ready with an arsenal of other flavors in the fridge.
No need to worry, the shake tasted AMAZING. I couldnt believe how well it went down, way easier than water. But then again, I could always find a way to make room for chocolate, that's what got me in this trouble right? So I finished my 'breakfast' and was so ecstatic. I figured I'd better wait a bit and see how I reacted to this first non-clear liquid post op. So I settled in to watch yet another episode of the Doodlebops with the Nick man.
I'll limit my descriptive writing at this point, and you are welcome. Let's just say thing got ugly- fast. I ran to the bathroom, knew i was in big trouble and decided I had to call the doctor. I felt so bad calling him at 8am on a Sunday morning, but the number one rule of being a bypass patient is that you can not get dehydrated- under any circumstances. So after having a few episodes over the weekend, i knew i had to make the call.
Dr. Ameri called me right back and I blurted out the problem to him while trying to control my sobs. You may be thinking, geez its just some diarrehea, calm down girl! But I knew deep down that I was headed back to the hospital for a date with my IV pole, and I was devastated that I couldnt tolerate the protein shake, as i was desperate to move on the next stage of recovery.
After scolding me for not calling him sooner, Dr. Ameri confirmed my fears and told me I had to head back to the hospital for IV therapy and antibiotics. He was also concerned about my state of mind because i was so upset. He asked to talk to Lew and told him this really wans't a big deal and it was an easy fix, assured him it was a blip on the radar.
I was sobbing at this point, trying to pack my bag to head back to A3 (the bariatric floor at Winchester Hospital-the best staff ever by the way.) We were all supposed to be going to a birthday party at our neighbor's house that day for Nick's friend Bryan, and I was so upset I would miss it. Especially after missing the twins party.
I tried to stop crying long enough to tell Nick I was headed back to "work" but I would call him later and to have a great time at the party. He was so excited to be going over in his pajamas to help with the party preps...he was like- yah whatever mom- see ya! Thank for for our neighbors, Lisa and Kevin. They took him right away, dressed him for the party and let him help with the preps- even though they were busy with all their own stuff. We are so blessed to have met them and become such great friends with them. Never underestimate the importance of good neighbors....I pray we will enjoy many good times and memories with them to come.
So Lew brought me to the hospital and I went to check in at central registration. I was blubbering through the process and the secretary said, "I hope you dont mind me saying this, but at times like these, it helps to focus on the fact it could be worse. I know you are going through a tough time, but yesterday i went to a birthday party for a 9 year old with my kids and there were 2 kids there in wheel chairs. I met another mom and she told me they were brother and sister. They were so happy and 'normal' just having fun at the party...until the action moved upstairs. They asked their mom if they could go up and she said no they would have to stay downstairs til the kids came back. I went up to the mom and said, can't they go up? I'll be happy to help you carry them or do whatever it takes? But she said no, sometimes I have to keep it real for them, we just can't do every single thing that other kids do. They'll be fine til the kids come back down."
So of course by the end of this story i am really sobbing, thinking how selfish I am and thank god it's me dealing with all this crap and not my kid. Thinking how my perfectly healthy happy gorgeous child was running around wild at the neighbors party oblivious to my drama. Thinking thank god its me in pain and not him.
I wish I had gotten that woman's name who told me that story, because it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear.
Ok so I'll fast forward through this sob story, more bathroom problems over the next 48 hours, lots of tests, lots of needles, lots of tv. I was put back on NPO which stands for NO PICNIC OBVIOUSLY. No not really, i dont even know what it stands for- except nothing by mouth- period. Not even water. So I was back to my camel in the desert deal....and freaking out again about it to put it mildly.
I spent sunday watching an all day marathon of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" on Bravo. Man that was some good trash tv. I may even start taping it, which would be really pathetic....but hey i have to replace my food habit with something.
Monday Dr. Ameri came by and told me my cultures were all negative so that was good news, but we still had to find out what was causing the problem. He said it was like I had been reborn, with the stomach of a newborn baby, and I had to do some trial and error to figure out how to eat and drink again. So I was back on the clear diet, and another 24 hours of IV fluids. I walked the halls peeking into other patient rooms, trying to figure out what people were in for. I read a bunch of magazines my parents had dropped off for me, I didnt want any visitors...I was just in no mood.
I sipped water, had a pineapple sugar free popsicle that was surprisingly good, and cried off and on for whatever reason as the hours ticked by.
Thank god for all the incredible nurses and nursing assistants on A3. If it weren't for them I dont know what i would have done. They listened to me, let me cry and reminded me it was going to be ok. They also shared many personal success stories with me. Several of the nurses on the floor have had the surgery, and a couple of their mom's too. They gave me all kinds of advice about switching up my protein drinks, and strategies for coping with setbacks. But most of all they told me everyone one of them and thier loved ones was so happy they had the surgery and would do it again in a minute.
So I finally got home today...started on a clear diet again, instead of advancing to full liquids. I'll finish my antiobiotics (have to drink it twice a day for 8 days- pure torture- so nasty.) Got home in time to drop Nick off at pre school and pick him back up...which was great...I was so happy to see him. My inlaws drove, i cant drive til my staples come out.
Doing really well on my new protein drink- Isopure clear liquid. It doesnt taste great but i try not to think about it. At least its not coming out the other end and the protein must be putting some pep in my step because i feel much much better.
Hoping to transition to full liquids after a few days if all is quiet.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. If this turns out to be my only complication- I'll take it. All I know for sure, is I have the best doctor in the world, the best support system at home, and the most wonderful friends I could hope for.
See I promised I'd end on a positive note!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Big Girls Don't Cry
Ok so in an effort to talk myself off the ledge, and calm the fears of so many who expressed concern today....I am going to say goodbye for now to the negative and try and focus on the positive. Tonite could be more of a transition...but I will get there.
First of all, thank you to everyone who emailed, commented or called me today after reading the blog. I won't name names because you know who you are, but let me say that your positive words of encouragement were truly needed and appreciated. I have the most incredible friends who have been in my life no matter the number on the scale, and for that I am truly blessed and grateful.
Ok so the day didn't get any better. At all. I tried to motivate and took a shower so we could head out to Dan and Aly's for the twins 2 year bday party. I was feeling good when the sun came out (as many of you promised!) and i was able to put on a bra i hadn't been able to snap in at least a year. Then i threw on a cotton Lands End dress for comfort and it was too big. That was a surprise, wasn't expecting those kind of things to happen this early.
We made it about 4 miles down the road when i had to ask Lew to turn around. I was feeling every single bump in the road, and i was so nervous about being in the car so soon after surgery. I was sitting in the back with a pillow, but could not use the seatbelt as it would lay right over my incisions. I was so bummed I had to go home but it turned out for the best. I was exhausted and ended up sleeping for 3 hours while the boys went to the party. I really needed it.
I have to say i had some wild dreams and i am sure they have tons of meaning. In one i am at this old fashioned 50's like McDonalds and Nick and I are going down a twisty water slide...when we get to the bottom we get a happy meal! In another, I find myself in this japanese hibachi restaurant and they start coooking all this amazing stuff right in front of me after they have already delivered platters of sushi. Bizarre. I will say I LOVE fast food and I wont deny it. I also LOVE sushi and have been craving it big time. And I wanted desperately to go to a japanese hibatchi grill for some bizarre reason last month before my pre-op diet started and despite several attempts it never happened. Final but perhaps most important observation- not once in these dreams do i recall myself actually eating any of the food. I just kept staring at it all in amazement. I am also not sure if i was fat or slimmer, but i remember hesitating at the top of the water slide, afraid i would not fit through.
I went for a few walks up and down the street and got in more water today then yesterday which was good. Had some sugar free jello but that didnt agree with me either, so i am wondering what the deal is with this sugar free stuff? I remember this being a problem for me when I did HMR. I could not tolerate the Davinci syrups and my nutritionist told me I was probably sensitive to the sugar alcohols. I have to investigate if everything sugar free translates to sugar alcohols. Seems like it's all pretty useless anyway once i can have protein rich items.
I watched the Ted Kennedy coverage this afternoon, and tried to keep sipping as much as i could. I wished i were at work. I cant stand being out of the newsroom when there is breaking news. That was the reason i went back into the crazy business after a brief hiatus to corporate hell. When 9-11 happened, i felt like a fish out of water. I guess you are just born to do what you end up doing, at least if you are lucky. Although I saw the memo about the big pizza delivery and that would have been ugly.
Ok I think i'll just go to bed and write about that positive stuff tomorrow cuz i dont feel the vibe right now. I think I will committ to one thing before I sign off. I am going to put away all my WLS (weight loss surgery) books and stop surfing all the websites for info and to compare my situation...because it is making me crazy and pissing me off. Everytime I read something, the person was pretty much eating bacon and eggs by now. Not to mention they all go home from the hospital on pain meds, and get to start a pretty liberal diet right away. Now I know that's why i chose Dr. Ameri, but it does suck right about now. I'd at least be jazzed to pop some codeine-though how i dont know. Dr. Ameri does not believe in pain meds once you are dicharged...he says it just slows the recovery process. Come to think of it, I asked one of the nurses in the OR prep about why this program was so strict compared to all the others i had heard about and she said many surgeons find it more marketable and consumer friendly to advertise that they dont require a pre-op diet. I thought that was very interesting. I certainly never thought of all this as a business, but i suppose it is for some. Definitely not Dr. Ameri. In fact, at the support group meetings, he tells everyone that he does not sell this operation to anyone and if he can scare anyone out of the room he is happy to do it. Maybe i should have listened clsoer to that part?
Ok I promise we will be on the upswing tomorrow...hey it's a big day- i get to go on full liquids...which means i can finally start having protein shakes. Please god let me be able to tolerate them.
A final thought from one of my favorite artists, Brian Andreas:
"In my dream, the angel shrugged & said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand."
First of all, thank you to everyone who emailed, commented or called me today after reading the blog. I won't name names because you know who you are, but let me say that your positive words of encouragement were truly needed and appreciated. I have the most incredible friends who have been in my life no matter the number on the scale, and for that I am truly blessed and grateful.
Ok so the day didn't get any better. At all. I tried to motivate and took a shower so we could head out to Dan and Aly's for the twins 2 year bday party. I was feeling good when the sun came out (as many of you promised!) and i was able to put on a bra i hadn't been able to snap in at least a year. Then i threw on a cotton Lands End dress for comfort and it was too big. That was a surprise, wasn't expecting those kind of things to happen this early.
We made it about 4 miles down the road when i had to ask Lew to turn around. I was feeling every single bump in the road, and i was so nervous about being in the car so soon after surgery. I was sitting in the back with a pillow, but could not use the seatbelt as it would lay right over my incisions. I was so bummed I had to go home but it turned out for the best. I was exhausted and ended up sleeping for 3 hours while the boys went to the party. I really needed it.
I have to say i had some wild dreams and i am sure they have tons of meaning. In one i am at this old fashioned 50's like McDonalds and Nick and I are going down a twisty water slide...when we get to the bottom we get a happy meal! In another, I find myself in this japanese hibachi restaurant and they start coooking all this amazing stuff right in front of me after they have already delivered platters of sushi. Bizarre. I will say I LOVE fast food and I wont deny it. I also LOVE sushi and have been craving it big time. And I wanted desperately to go to a japanese hibatchi grill for some bizarre reason last month before my pre-op diet started and despite several attempts it never happened. Final but perhaps most important observation- not once in these dreams do i recall myself actually eating any of the food. I just kept staring at it all in amazement. I am also not sure if i was fat or slimmer, but i remember hesitating at the top of the water slide, afraid i would not fit through.
I went for a few walks up and down the street and got in more water today then yesterday which was good. Had some sugar free jello but that didnt agree with me either, so i am wondering what the deal is with this sugar free stuff? I remember this being a problem for me when I did HMR. I could not tolerate the Davinci syrups and my nutritionist told me I was probably sensitive to the sugar alcohols. I have to investigate if everything sugar free translates to sugar alcohols. Seems like it's all pretty useless anyway once i can have protein rich items.
I watched the Ted Kennedy coverage this afternoon, and tried to keep sipping as much as i could. I wished i were at work. I cant stand being out of the newsroom when there is breaking news. That was the reason i went back into the crazy business after a brief hiatus to corporate hell. When 9-11 happened, i felt like a fish out of water. I guess you are just born to do what you end up doing, at least if you are lucky. Although I saw the memo about the big pizza delivery and that would have been ugly.
Ok I think i'll just go to bed and write about that positive stuff tomorrow cuz i dont feel the vibe right now. I think I will committ to one thing before I sign off. I am going to put away all my WLS (weight loss surgery) books and stop surfing all the websites for info and to compare my situation...because it is making me crazy and pissing me off. Everytime I read something, the person was pretty much eating bacon and eggs by now. Not to mention they all go home from the hospital on pain meds, and get to start a pretty liberal diet right away. Now I know that's why i chose Dr. Ameri, but it does suck right about now. I'd at least be jazzed to pop some codeine-though how i dont know. Dr. Ameri does not believe in pain meds once you are dicharged...he says it just slows the recovery process. Come to think of it, I asked one of the nurses in the OR prep about why this program was so strict compared to all the others i had heard about and she said many surgeons find it more marketable and consumer friendly to advertise that they dont require a pre-op diet. I thought that was very interesting. I certainly never thought of all this as a business, but i suppose it is for some. Definitely not Dr. Ameri. In fact, at the support group meetings, he tells everyone that he does not sell this operation to anyone and if he can scare anyone out of the room he is happy to do it. Maybe i should have listened clsoer to that part?
Ok I promise we will be on the upswing tomorrow...hey it's a big day- i get to go on full liquids...which means i can finally start having protein shakes. Please god let me be able to tolerate them.
A final thought from one of my favorite artists, Brian Andreas:
"In my dream, the angel shrugged & said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand."
Sad Saturday
Not doing very well today. Had a rough night and morning. My inlaws went home for the weekend and Nick didnt want anything to do with Lew last night. I had to sit in a chair in his room several times overnight when he woke up crying and wanted me to lay down with him but i couldnt do it. I was afraid he would kick me in the stomach by accident or something. Then he woke up at 6am and when i got out of my bed i though i was going to faint. I am having major outer body experiences...i mean is this really a good idea to have ZERO calories for 7 straight days? I know the dr knows best but i am starting to fade.
Can't write much more, having trouble getting my minimum water down...i am so sick of it. Had some disgusting chicken broth last night and almost gagged it was so nasty. My only solace was my sugar free pops and now they are giving me diarrehea which i can not afford to have. If i get dehydrated i will be back in that hospital.
I am feeling mad, frustrated, sad and just so helpless right now. I want my life back. Now. It's a rainy Saturday morning and I want a freaking cup of Kona coffe, and while i'm at it, i'll take a couple of those frosted pop tarts that have been staring me down all week from the pantry. Later I want to cook a big comforting family dinner and then i want to open a bottle of wine and watch a movie tonite.
It's not even an option...I wouldnt try to eat anything because i am too terrified of ending up back in the OR, and I know i couldnt even get it down. But I am already missing food so badly and i didnt expect it to happen so soon.
I guess it started when my parents ate a steak bomb and meatball and cheese subs in front of me for lunch yesterday, then had Lew bring home friend clams, scallops and onion rings for dinner. I told them it was ok and it wouldnt bother me. But let me tell you it did...big time. Well too bad for me, its gonna be a long 8 weeks of this crap so i might as well get used to it.
Ok I am really off the deep end now. Lew just called to say he and Nick just left Daddy and Me and they are going to Dunkin Donuts (their Saturday morning ritual) so i freaked out on him and hung up. I think i better go try and lie down - not in a good place.
ps have i mentioned i would give anything to wake up from this bad dream and then immediately cancel my surgery? seriously
pps have i mentioned i have lost 24 pounds in less than 3 weeks and i dont give a shit?
Can't write much more, having trouble getting my minimum water down...i am so sick of it. Had some disgusting chicken broth last night and almost gagged it was so nasty. My only solace was my sugar free pops and now they are giving me diarrehea which i can not afford to have. If i get dehydrated i will be back in that hospital.
I am feeling mad, frustrated, sad and just so helpless right now. I want my life back. Now. It's a rainy Saturday morning and I want a freaking cup of Kona coffe, and while i'm at it, i'll take a couple of those frosted pop tarts that have been staring me down all week from the pantry. Later I want to cook a big comforting family dinner and then i want to open a bottle of wine and watch a movie tonite.
It's not even an option...I wouldnt try to eat anything because i am too terrified of ending up back in the OR, and I know i couldnt even get it down. But I am already missing food so badly and i didnt expect it to happen so soon.
I guess it started when my parents ate a steak bomb and meatball and cheese subs in front of me for lunch yesterday, then had Lew bring home friend clams, scallops and onion rings for dinner. I told them it was ok and it wouldnt bother me. But let me tell you it did...big time. Well too bad for me, its gonna be a long 8 weeks of this crap so i might as well get used to it.
Ok I am really off the deep end now. Lew just called to say he and Nick just left Daddy and Me and they are going to Dunkin Donuts (their Saturday morning ritual) so i freaked out on him and hung up. I think i better go try and lie down - not in a good place.
ps have i mentioned i would give anything to wake up from this bad dream and then immediately cancel my surgery? seriously
pps have i mentioned i have lost 24 pounds in less than 3 weeks and i dont give a shit?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Post Op Observations
Well I came home from the hospital today...can't say I am doing the happy dance- yet.
I'll try and remember key details here of the past 4 days. Arrived at Winchester Hospital Monday around noon....Dr. Ameri was running a bit late so they didnt start my surgery until around 3pm. I was a nervous wreck. Had the most wonderful nurse, I wish I could remember her name, she was an absolute doll and helped me relax and make it through the long wait. I guess I'll just take a minute here to say nurses in general are right up there with teachers in book, underpaid, underappreciated and way over worked.
So the big headline of the day was when they sent in a "messenger" as she called herself- she asked me when is the last time you ate solid food? I fessed up to having some cheese on Friday...I was terrifed that if I lied something could go horribly wrong or Dr. Ameri would be able to tell once he got in there. Let me just say that for those few bites and cheats I had in my 2 week pre-op, at that moment, I wished I had been stronger, because I was so mortified I had to confess and I really didnt know if Dr. Ameri was going to do the surgery or not. I know how strict he is.
Finally he came out of the OR to talk to us, he said "well I almost cancelled your surgery today because of the CHEESE." I was like oh my god. I felt so guilty and embarrassed. He looked me right in the eye and said- do you want to wait a few more weeks and make sure you are ready for this? I said- if i dont do it now I am never going to do it. So he said ok if you are sure you can be compliant with the post op rules, then let's do it. So he gave me a form to sign.
I have to say that was one of the most pivotal moments in my life because I came SO close to calling it off. There I was laying on the gurney, had my scrubs on, literally minutes away from surgery and he gave me an out. I truly believe god intervened and made the decision for me, because I felt like I wanted to call it off but couldnt get the words out. In my mind i could see myself getting dressed, stopping at the cafeteria for a big piece of chocolate cake and some milk, then heading out for a huge dinner with serious cocktails. But being the tv girl that I am, there was a split screen and on the other side, was a big fat unhappy me, going right back where i came from. I wasn't ready to retreat without knowing what might have been.
I also felt so bad because I felt like I let Dr. Ameri down, and that he was very disappointed in me. He said it was his job to pick the right candidates and he was very nervous that i would not be able to handle the post op rules so he was having doubts about me. I totally got what he said, because you can be sure I having doubts about me too! So this is where your average Dr. and Dr. Ameri part ways, most surgeons would probably never have taken the time to have this talk with me, I would be just another case and hey it would be my problem if I couldnt' be compliant. I know I am not the first to say it, but Dr. Ameri is a very, very special man and surgeon. He takes every case personally and is truly invested in the outcome. I feel so blessed to have found him- thanks Dr. Fullerton!
So I took a deep breathe, signed the form and he said i'll see you in there. Then god bless him, he must have known how upset I was because he started to walk away, then he came back and said- you know the reason i am doing this is because at least you were honest about the cheese, alot of patients wouldnt have said a word. So I know you want to do the right thing. I was so grateful for those words....they meant the world to me.
So now the tears really started, I was pretty much hyperventilating from fear, relief, who knows what else. Dr. Ameri asked the anestesiologist to give me something to calm me down. He came right over and I immediately got calm- let me tell you.
So here's where it gets uncomfortable. I woke up in recovery and started freaking out- coming out of anestetia was no picnic. I had a face mask on and felt like i was suffocating. My mouth was so dry and I couldnt catch my breath. I thought I must be dying. I had on those compression stockings to prevent blood clots, and a catheter in- but i dont think i realized either of those things at this point.
I was pretty groggy but I remember Lew waiting outside the recover room doors and being with me while they wheeled me into my room. I mnust give a shout out here to this silent superstar...my amazing husband who has been by my side through thick and thin- literally! He was there with me every step of the way and the man is a saint. just dont tell him i said so!
My summary of the next 3 days is basically this: if i could take this decision back- I would in a second. I know i prob wont feel this way a month from now- i pray. But I was in WAY more pain than I ever imagined and I regretted going forward big time.
Today is Thursday and I still feel that way- it was and is difficult to move around- i have 6 incision sites on mu upper abdomen- and they are stapled shut. I was screaming in pain every time I tried to move a muscle. But even worse than the pain was the dry mouth. Ok I am sure I must have read about this somewhere...maybe i blocked it out i dont know but the thirst factor was overwhelming. Imagine not being allowed even a SIP of water from Sunday at midnight until Wednesday noon. That was pure torture. We had these nasty sponge swabs but they didnt do squat. Oh my roomate had the bypass right before me so we were in the same hell. Let's just say we didnt get a chance to do much bonding, we were both in too much pain and sleeping most of the time. That was the only thing that got me through, was the pain med- i think it was dilotin? Wow it was amazing. I had a morphine pump for my C-section and this was way more effective.
So the days dragged on until Dr. Ameri finally arrived with our big treat, 4 tiny 1 ounce cups for drinking water. He wanted us to take about a half hour to drink each one of them, which i thought was crazy- but i couldnt even do that! Ok so here's the amazing thing- I was not hungry in the least- just dying of thirst. That water tasted so good, there are no words to describe. But it was weird taking a sip, it totally filled me up and i knew i had to wait awhile before having another sip. I finally understood what it meant to have a restriction.
Got a few phone calls in the hospital but i was in way too much pain to chat. Lots of nice flowers too, but i just couldnt appreciate them. I know that I am very dramatic and have a low pain tolerance, but my roomate was feeling the same as me, so i know i wasn't totally over reacting. Man I was and still am SORE. I think I was so busy trying to convince everyone around me and myself that the laproscopic version of the surgery would be a breeze, that i didnt expect any discomfort at all- which i know is pretty unrealistic.
So Dr. Ameri came around Thurs morning and took out our drains, another gross detail i forgot to mention- apparently this is what causes most of the discomfort the first 3 days...the drain pulls on your incision. I did feel much better when that and my IV came out. I felt free. My poor roomate was having bad diarrehea, so Dr. Ameri said she would have to stay an extra night to be safe, he didnt want her getting dehydrated. I know she was really disappointed, but knew it was for the best.
I finally got home around 1pm today and it was great to be home and especially see Nick. Of course he didnt really want much to do with me, he was spoiled rotten all week and didnt even miss me! I told him i got a boo boo on my tummy while i was gone on my "business trip," and I showed him by stomach binder (big girdle like thing that keeps everything tight so it doesnt hurt as much.) I was afraid he would try and jump on me like he usually does. He seemed mildly intersted in my situation, but really just wanted to play with my spirometer. Another item from my hospital goodie bag...I have to take deep breathes from it 10 times an hour to keep my lungs open and prevent infection.
So I'm getting tired now, but that's what's been happening. I am feeling my very first hunger sensation right now, its midnight and thats usually my time to get up and eat cookies and milk, so maybe it's head hunger I am not sure. The only thing I am sure about is I wont be eating anything. I am terrified of screwing up my new pouch. Hey i made it through all this, I have to give it a go now. I hope a few weeks or months from now I look back and laugh at this and say- this is the best thing I ever did- like so many before me do. I dont feel that way right now. But i did live to tell about it...so i will try and share as much of the journey as possible. Thankyou Dr. Ameri and A3 nurses for taking such good care of me- i will do you proud!
I'll try and remember key details here of the past 4 days. Arrived at Winchester Hospital Monday around noon....Dr. Ameri was running a bit late so they didnt start my surgery until around 3pm. I was a nervous wreck. Had the most wonderful nurse, I wish I could remember her name, she was an absolute doll and helped me relax and make it through the long wait. I guess I'll just take a minute here to say nurses in general are right up there with teachers in book, underpaid, underappreciated and way over worked.
So the big headline of the day was when they sent in a "messenger" as she called herself- she asked me when is the last time you ate solid food? I fessed up to having some cheese on Friday...I was terrifed that if I lied something could go horribly wrong or Dr. Ameri would be able to tell once he got in there. Let me just say that for those few bites and cheats I had in my 2 week pre-op, at that moment, I wished I had been stronger, because I was so mortified I had to confess and I really didnt know if Dr. Ameri was going to do the surgery or not. I know how strict he is.
Finally he came out of the OR to talk to us, he said "well I almost cancelled your surgery today because of the CHEESE." I was like oh my god. I felt so guilty and embarrassed. He looked me right in the eye and said- do you want to wait a few more weeks and make sure you are ready for this? I said- if i dont do it now I am never going to do it. So he said ok if you are sure you can be compliant with the post op rules, then let's do it. So he gave me a form to sign.
I have to say that was one of the most pivotal moments in my life because I came SO close to calling it off. There I was laying on the gurney, had my scrubs on, literally minutes away from surgery and he gave me an out. I truly believe god intervened and made the decision for me, because I felt like I wanted to call it off but couldnt get the words out. In my mind i could see myself getting dressed, stopping at the cafeteria for a big piece of chocolate cake and some milk, then heading out for a huge dinner with serious cocktails. But being the tv girl that I am, there was a split screen and on the other side, was a big fat unhappy me, going right back where i came from. I wasn't ready to retreat without knowing what might have been.
I also felt so bad because I felt like I let Dr. Ameri down, and that he was very disappointed in me. He said it was his job to pick the right candidates and he was very nervous that i would not be able to handle the post op rules so he was having doubts about me. I totally got what he said, because you can be sure I having doubts about me too! So this is where your average Dr. and Dr. Ameri part ways, most surgeons would probably never have taken the time to have this talk with me, I would be just another case and hey it would be my problem if I couldnt' be compliant. I know I am not the first to say it, but Dr. Ameri is a very, very special man and surgeon. He takes every case personally and is truly invested in the outcome. I feel so blessed to have found him- thanks Dr. Fullerton!
So I took a deep breathe, signed the form and he said i'll see you in there. Then god bless him, he must have known how upset I was because he started to walk away, then he came back and said- you know the reason i am doing this is because at least you were honest about the cheese, alot of patients wouldnt have said a word. So I know you want to do the right thing. I was so grateful for those words....they meant the world to me.
So now the tears really started, I was pretty much hyperventilating from fear, relief, who knows what else. Dr. Ameri asked the anestesiologist to give me something to calm me down. He came right over and I immediately got calm- let me tell you.
So here's where it gets uncomfortable. I woke up in recovery and started freaking out- coming out of anestetia was no picnic. I had a face mask on and felt like i was suffocating. My mouth was so dry and I couldnt catch my breath. I thought I must be dying. I had on those compression stockings to prevent blood clots, and a catheter in- but i dont think i realized either of those things at this point.
I was pretty groggy but I remember Lew waiting outside the recover room doors and being with me while they wheeled me into my room. I mnust give a shout out here to this silent superstar...my amazing husband who has been by my side through thick and thin- literally! He was there with me every step of the way and the man is a saint. just dont tell him i said so!
My summary of the next 3 days is basically this: if i could take this decision back- I would in a second. I know i prob wont feel this way a month from now- i pray. But I was in WAY more pain than I ever imagined and I regretted going forward big time.
Today is Thursday and I still feel that way- it was and is difficult to move around- i have 6 incision sites on mu upper abdomen- and they are stapled shut. I was screaming in pain every time I tried to move a muscle. But even worse than the pain was the dry mouth. Ok I am sure I must have read about this somewhere...maybe i blocked it out i dont know but the thirst factor was overwhelming. Imagine not being allowed even a SIP of water from Sunday at midnight until Wednesday noon. That was pure torture. We had these nasty sponge swabs but they didnt do squat. Oh my roomate had the bypass right before me so we were in the same hell. Let's just say we didnt get a chance to do much bonding, we were both in too much pain and sleeping most of the time. That was the only thing that got me through, was the pain med- i think it was dilotin? Wow it was amazing. I had a morphine pump for my C-section and this was way more effective.
So the days dragged on until Dr. Ameri finally arrived with our big treat, 4 tiny 1 ounce cups for drinking water. He wanted us to take about a half hour to drink each one of them, which i thought was crazy- but i couldnt even do that! Ok so here's the amazing thing- I was not hungry in the least- just dying of thirst. That water tasted so good, there are no words to describe. But it was weird taking a sip, it totally filled me up and i knew i had to wait awhile before having another sip. I finally understood what it meant to have a restriction.
Got a few phone calls in the hospital but i was in way too much pain to chat. Lots of nice flowers too, but i just couldnt appreciate them. I know that I am very dramatic and have a low pain tolerance, but my roomate was feeling the same as me, so i know i wasn't totally over reacting. Man I was and still am SORE. I think I was so busy trying to convince everyone around me and myself that the laproscopic version of the surgery would be a breeze, that i didnt expect any discomfort at all- which i know is pretty unrealistic.
So Dr. Ameri came around Thurs morning and took out our drains, another gross detail i forgot to mention- apparently this is what causes most of the discomfort the first 3 days...the drain pulls on your incision. I did feel much better when that and my IV came out. I felt free. My poor roomate was having bad diarrehea, so Dr. Ameri said she would have to stay an extra night to be safe, he didnt want her getting dehydrated. I know she was really disappointed, but knew it was for the best.
I finally got home around 1pm today and it was great to be home and especially see Nick. Of course he didnt really want much to do with me, he was spoiled rotten all week and didnt even miss me! I told him i got a boo boo on my tummy while i was gone on my "business trip," and I showed him by stomach binder (big girdle like thing that keeps everything tight so it doesnt hurt as much.) I was afraid he would try and jump on me like he usually does. He seemed mildly intersted in my situation, but really just wanted to play with my spirometer. Another item from my hospital goodie bag...I have to take deep breathes from it 10 times an hour to keep my lungs open and prevent infection.
So I'm getting tired now, but that's what's been happening. I am feeling my very first hunger sensation right now, its midnight and thats usually my time to get up and eat cookies and milk, so maybe it's head hunger I am not sure. The only thing I am sure about is I wont be eating anything. I am terrified of screwing up my new pouch. Hey i made it through all this, I have to give it a go now. I hope a few weeks or months from now I look back and laugh at this and say- this is the best thing I ever did- like so many before me do. I dont feel that way right now. But i did live to tell about it...so i will try and share as much of the journey as possible. Thankyou Dr. Ameri and A3 nurses for taking such good care of me- i will do you proud!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Surgery Day
The big day is finally here and it couldn't come soon enough. I am excited, nervous, terrified, starving and neurotic all at once. I am so bummed I have a late surgery- I started fasting at midnight and it's a long day til my 2:20 surgery. My stomach is growling so loud right now. I wonder if they deliver pizza to the OR? Ok bad joke.
Had a nice Mothers Day...we went to the Stone Zoo and the playground...then Lew took Nick to a carnival while I read on the deck- it was gorgeous out. I wanted to have a bbq or go out to eat so bad- old habits are hard to break. I am so sick of shakes, pudding and jello and i still hate yogurt. It's gonna be a long 8 weeks.
Well I dont really feel like writing...i've been a mess, crying off and on all day yesterday too. Made Lew videotape a message from me to Nick last night just in case something goes horribly wrong. I know its morbid but i had to do it. I just want this to be over with because I could call the whole thing off any second now. I feel like such a loser....I couldn't do it myself so I have to go put my life on the line now just to stop stuffing my face. I am so mad at myself.
Ok enough poor me, I'll end on a positive note, it's interesting to see who youre true friends are at a time like this. I got so many supportive calls and emails, some from people I expected and many I didnt. Just as interesting, are those who didnt' even take the time to hit the reply button after I sent out an email telling everyone about my surgery details and my blog. I know how busy we all are- but how do you not even respond to that - even in a quick email?! Well I choose to focus on all the wonderful friends who offered to help out and just wished me well. Your support means the world to me.
Winchester Hospital is not wifi enabled so I'll have to write about my surgery when i get home on Thursday. Ready or not....here i go.
Had a nice Mothers Day...we went to the Stone Zoo and the playground...then Lew took Nick to a carnival while I read on the deck- it was gorgeous out. I wanted to have a bbq or go out to eat so bad- old habits are hard to break. I am so sick of shakes, pudding and jello and i still hate yogurt. It's gonna be a long 8 weeks.
Well I dont really feel like writing...i've been a mess, crying off and on all day yesterday too. Made Lew videotape a message from me to Nick last night just in case something goes horribly wrong. I know its morbid but i had to do it. I just want this to be over with because I could call the whole thing off any second now. I feel like such a loser....I couldn't do it myself so I have to go put my life on the line now just to stop stuffing my face. I am so mad at myself.
Ok enough poor me, I'll end on a positive note, it's interesting to see who youre true friends are at a time like this. I got so many supportive calls and emails, some from people I expected and many I didnt. Just as interesting, are those who didnt' even take the time to hit the reply button after I sent out an email telling everyone about my surgery details and my blog. I know how busy we all are- but how do you not even respond to that - even in a quick email?! Well I choose to focus on all the wonderful friends who offered to help out and just wished me well. Your support means the world to me.
Winchester Hospital is not wifi enabled so I'll have to write about my surgery when i get home on Thursday. Ready or not....here i go.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Trouble Brewing
Rough day at work today. The vending machines were calling my name as soon as i got in. I swear it's something about that place- all we ever do in there is eat. I slammed down a protein shake right away to fight the urges and then they brought out the TV Diner taping food...steak tips, caesar salads and all kinds of stuff. Next my friend Pete broke out his wife's famous banana bread. I had just about had it. Then my guest shows up- who happens to be the Founder of the Sam Adams Brewery- so of course he brought a huge cooler of beer for everyone and I think I wanted a cold one more than I even wanted all the food!
I finally made it out alive- but it was a real drag. I think it was a reminder that nothing around me is going to change- the only thing that has to change is me. God I pray I can handle it. Please dont let me be hungry. I have to fast from Sunday night til Wed afternoon and I'm talking not even a sip of water- so if I AM hungry- they better be prepared to keep that morphine pump primed cuz I am going to be a TERROR.
Picked up the new Carnie Wilson book today so I can read it at the hospital. I think she was still maintaining when she wrote it because i know i have seen her on the talk shows lately talking about post op weight gain. I feel for her...I dont think it will ever get easier...just different.
Missed my monkey man today- long day at work...we laughed for about 20 mins straight at bedtime- he cracks me up- we couldn't stop giggling over everything! He is the joy of my life...I have to hurry home and get back to business for my little man...I'll miss him so much.
I finally made it out alive- but it was a real drag. I think it was a reminder that nothing around me is going to change- the only thing that has to change is me. God I pray I can handle it. Please dont let me be hungry. I have to fast from Sunday night til Wed afternoon and I'm talking not even a sip of water- so if I AM hungry- they better be prepared to keep that morphine pump primed cuz I am going to be a TERROR.
Picked up the new Carnie Wilson book today so I can read it at the hospital. I think she was still maintaining when she wrote it because i know i have seen her on the talk shows lately talking about post op weight gain. I feel for her...I dont think it will ever get easier...just different.
Missed my monkey man today- long day at work...we laughed for about 20 mins straight at bedtime- he cracks me up- we couldn't stop giggling over everything! He is the joy of my life...I have to hurry home and get back to business for my little man...I'll miss him so much.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
One Day at a Time
I can't believe I haven't blogged since Saturday...where does the time go? Sunday was much better than Saturday thank goodness. I basically decided there was no sense wasting another day moping around. I can't remember doing anything exciting- house stuff, trip to KMart, and the pool store....but it was good to get out of the house.
Definitely doing better on the liquid diet this week....I got some Glucerna and Boost Glucose Control shakes that are ready to drink and I liked them alot...so that helped with being prepared and for work. Really enjoying my sugar free pudding and jello too! I wonder if Jello shots would be legal on this diet? HAHA! Hey it's liquid, and sugar free right?!
It's been a busy week....Monday we hung out with Lisa and the boys all day....went to Petco to get Bryan a new fish since his went belly up. Well guess who came home with a fish? Nick had to have one and I gave in. Guess who will be cleaning the tank?
Tuesday I had an appointment with Diane (my therapist) and we talked about some ways I can better cope with my food issues and she gave me a to do list that was very helpful. I really enjoy my time with her- there's only so much Lew can take, and it helps to have someone to vent to and figure things out with who is objective. I am glad I met her through HMR and feel that my work with her will be critical to a good outcome.
Next I went to see Dr. Z the pulmonologist. One of the main reasons I opted out of the surgery last summer was after my initial consult with him...he scared the crap out of me when he told me I prob needed CPAP and said due to my neck size- i would be at higher risk of complications during intubation. So I was very nervous for this appt. Well it could not have gone better...he told me my new sleep study was markedly improved, no apnea issues and no need for the CPAP. That was all I was hoping to hear- but then he also said my neck size had gone down 2 inches and I was a much better candidate for the surgery this time around. So I practically skipped out of his office- what a relief.
The only thing I have left to do is my final blood work this weekend...stocked up on some Isopure drinks and Unjury protein powder for next week...just have to get some broth i think and i am done. I guess there's only so much preparing you can do before you have to sit back and let it all happen. That's difficult for me but I am learning.
Today was CRAZY...Lisa and I ran around town hanging up signs for our Yard Sale. Then we had Mommy and Me....kids had a great time making a fish...good timing for Nick! Then we hung out in the sun all day- broke out the sprinkler ball and the kids had a blast- it was gorgeous out. The guys came to open the pool but we have a crack in the skimmer so they have to come back tomorrow and replace it. I am hoping to get in that pool before my surgery! Aly and the boys came over about 430 and stayed til 730 so Nick had quite a day for himself! He had such a great time. It's so funny there's not a girl in the bunch...all the boys have so much fun together...it's so nice to see...so great to have Dan and his family living so close.
Well I am officially fried, speaking of American Idol...I have to go see if Jason gets voted off. If he doesn't that show is over as far as I am concerned.
Just 4 more days...I can hardly believe it. I am anxious to get it over with now- want to move to the next step!
Definitely doing better on the liquid diet this week....I got some Glucerna and Boost Glucose Control shakes that are ready to drink and I liked them alot...so that helped with being prepared and for work. Really enjoying my sugar free pudding and jello too! I wonder if Jello shots would be legal on this diet? HAHA! Hey it's liquid, and sugar free right?!
It's been a busy week....Monday we hung out with Lisa and the boys all day....went to Petco to get Bryan a new fish since his went belly up. Well guess who came home with a fish? Nick had to have one and I gave in. Guess who will be cleaning the tank?
Tuesday I had an appointment with Diane (my therapist) and we talked about some ways I can better cope with my food issues and she gave me a to do list that was very helpful. I really enjoy my time with her- there's only so much Lew can take, and it helps to have someone to vent to and figure things out with who is objective. I am glad I met her through HMR and feel that my work with her will be critical to a good outcome.
Next I went to see Dr. Z the pulmonologist. One of the main reasons I opted out of the surgery last summer was after my initial consult with him...he scared the crap out of me when he told me I prob needed CPAP and said due to my neck size- i would be at higher risk of complications during intubation. So I was very nervous for this appt. Well it could not have gone better...he told me my new sleep study was markedly improved, no apnea issues and no need for the CPAP. That was all I was hoping to hear- but then he also said my neck size had gone down 2 inches and I was a much better candidate for the surgery this time around. So I practically skipped out of his office- what a relief.
The only thing I have left to do is my final blood work this weekend...stocked up on some Isopure drinks and Unjury protein powder for next week...just have to get some broth i think and i am done. I guess there's only so much preparing you can do before you have to sit back and let it all happen. That's difficult for me but I am learning.
Today was CRAZY...Lisa and I ran around town hanging up signs for our Yard Sale. Then we had Mommy and Me....kids had a great time making a fish...good timing for Nick! Then we hung out in the sun all day- broke out the sprinkler ball and the kids had a blast- it was gorgeous out. The guys came to open the pool but we have a crack in the skimmer so they have to come back tomorrow and replace it. I am hoping to get in that pool before my surgery! Aly and the boys came over about 430 and stayed til 730 so Nick had quite a day for himself! He had such a great time. It's so funny there's not a girl in the bunch...all the boys have so much fun together...it's so nice to see...so great to have Dan and his family living so close.
Well I am officially fried, speaking of American Idol...I have to go see if Jason gets voted off. If he doesn't that show is over as far as I am concerned.
Just 4 more days...I can hardly believe it. I am anxious to get it over with now- want to move to the next step!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Doubts and Digressions
Well I haven't been blogging for a few days because I didnt want to admit what a mess I am....maybe not even to myself. I have really struggled with this liquid diet...to be totally honest I have not done well. I have fallen off the wagon several times- just completely caved due to starvation and frustration. That has led to feelings of guilt, failure, and fear, as I wonder if i am really going to be ok with this life change. I knew it would be hard, but my lack of willpower surprises me with a vengance.
Had my Pre-Admissions Testing at Winchester Hospital yesterday...EKG, Chest Xray and some blood work. Had to pay my $440 co-pay for the surgery, which is a bargain considering its a 30 thousand dollar procedure.
Next Lew and I met with Louise and Dr. Ameri for my final weigh in and chat before surgery. Here's where it all fell apart. Lew felt strongly that I should come clean about cheating on the liquid diet...he is concerned that i am putting myself at risk for problems down the road. To put it mildly, Louise was not happy with me. She read my the riot act, as she should, but i was really upset. Had a total breakdown in the exam room and by the time poor Sheila came in I was hyperventilating. Sheila is an angel, made me feel so much better and told me i was not the only one who cheats on this pre-op diet, i am just one of the few who admits to it. I guess misery loves company because that made me feel better. Dr.Ameri came in and told me he was warned that i was crying...how embarrassing! But the man is just a saint, he said all the right things and made me feel so much better. I trust him 150% and know that I am in the best hands possible. You just get this vibe from him that he really is concerned for your happiness and best outcome, he is so not your average doctor, never mind surgeon. We talked about the recent 60 minutes segment on the surgery and i promised to try and get him a copy through work. We also talked about doing a documentary down the road with NECN that I could produce. I have to formulate a proposal and pitch this to Iris.
So the plan is to try and do the very best i can on this knowing that after surgery there is no cheating, it's not even an option. I do feel that I am ready and that i won't have a problem once i have the procedure. I will be too terrified of screwing up my pouch. Right now, I still have a monster tummy that is very demanding so it's been a real challenge. I went to work after the appt and stayed busy...I was so hungry I was having an outer body experience.
I had a really tough day today, just very depressed and overwhelmed. Stuck to my diet all day, yogurt, shakes and pudding...then broke down and had a few cheese and crackers after Nick went to bed. We were supposed to go to a Kentucky Derby party but I was too nervous about all the food and alcohol...so i spent the day feeling sorry for myself and crying all day. I pray i can shake this after the surgery because i am really worried about how i am feeling.
We did get alot done today preparing for our big yard sale next weekend, once i decided to get out of bed i tried to focus on that and it was good to clean out all the closets and cellar of junk...most of it never even opened. I hope people buy it or its going in the trash! i am tired of all this STUFF.
Well hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I really do want to do this, I have to keep my eye on the prize. I will regret it forever if I dont roll the dice, not knowing if this was my chance to finally be healthy and truly happy.
Had my Pre-Admissions Testing at Winchester Hospital yesterday...EKG, Chest Xray and some blood work. Had to pay my $440 co-pay for the surgery, which is a bargain considering its a 30 thousand dollar procedure.
Next Lew and I met with Louise and Dr. Ameri for my final weigh in and chat before surgery. Here's where it all fell apart. Lew felt strongly that I should come clean about cheating on the liquid diet...he is concerned that i am putting myself at risk for problems down the road. To put it mildly, Louise was not happy with me. She read my the riot act, as she should, but i was really upset. Had a total breakdown in the exam room and by the time poor Sheila came in I was hyperventilating. Sheila is an angel, made me feel so much better and told me i was not the only one who cheats on this pre-op diet, i am just one of the few who admits to it. I guess misery loves company because that made me feel better. Dr.Ameri came in and told me he was warned that i was crying...how embarrassing! But the man is just a saint, he said all the right things and made me feel so much better. I trust him 150% and know that I am in the best hands possible. You just get this vibe from him that he really is concerned for your happiness and best outcome, he is so not your average doctor, never mind surgeon. We talked about the recent 60 minutes segment on the surgery and i promised to try and get him a copy through work. We also talked about doing a documentary down the road with NECN that I could produce. I have to formulate a proposal and pitch this to Iris.
So the plan is to try and do the very best i can on this knowing that after surgery there is no cheating, it's not even an option. I do feel that I am ready and that i won't have a problem once i have the procedure. I will be too terrified of screwing up my pouch. Right now, I still have a monster tummy that is very demanding so it's been a real challenge. I went to work after the appt and stayed busy...I was so hungry I was having an outer body experience.
I had a really tough day today, just very depressed and overwhelmed. Stuck to my diet all day, yogurt, shakes and pudding...then broke down and had a few cheese and crackers after Nick went to bed. We were supposed to go to a Kentucky Derby party but I was too nervous about all the food and alcohol...so i spent the day feeling sorry for myself and crying all day. I pray i can shake this after the surgery because i am really worried about how i am feeling.
We did get alot done today preparing for our big yard sale next weekend, once i decided to get out of bed i tried to focus on that and it was good to clean out all the closets and cellar of junk...most of it never even opened. I hope people buy it or its going in the trash! i am tired of all this STUFF.
Well hopefully tomorrow is a better day...I really do want to do this, I have to keep my eye on the prize. I will regret it forever if I dont roll the dice, not knowing if this was my chance to finally be healthy and truly happy.
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