Scary Sugar Scene

So I am sitting here eating a small piece of heavenly cheesecake with graham cracker crust, topped with Stonewall Kitchen blueberry jam and sipping the most amazing cup of coffee I think I have ever had. Is it time to wake up? Am I dreaming? Will I be pushing 300 pounds when my eyes open? God say it isn't so.
No it's really happening, and I cant believe this crazy journey I am on and how different every single day is. I made the cheesecake with splenda and the jam is no sugar added- so its all legal though it tastes very sinful. It is so delicious- it's nirvana. We ordered some new K-cups for the Keurig and I am having Donut Shop Coffee by the Coffee People, and there are no words for its perfection. If you are only going to have one small cup a day- it better be worthy.

So I've decided that gastric bypass surgery is much like parenting. Every time you think you have it figured out- something changes and you have to start from scratch again. Take the Halloween party meatball debacle for example. The very next day I was ravenous- rare for me as I usually have to remind myself to eat. So I started out strong- getting in all my water and protein- good stuff. But later that afternoon I had a run in with a couple of old friends/lovers that I hadn't seen in awhile. I ran into sugar first...and next thing you know, white flour and I were rendevouzing and it was quite a revelation. I had always believe deep down that I was addicted to sugar and flour...the one diet program i never tried was Overeaters Anonymous and I think the reason is that I was terrified to give them up. I know that is the basis for the OA program and it probably would have worked for me- short term anyway. But I was a little leery of the "higher power" aspect of the program.
I know some who have had great success with it and I think its wonderful for the right person.

Anyway Nick and I went on one of our Whole Foods field trips- always dangerous. If I were a millionaire that's one of the first things I would do- be a regular at Whole Foods. But since that is far from the case, I try to limit myself to once a month max because I can not enter that organic temple without spending $50 minimum and I usually have 1 bag of food to show for it that doesn't last more than a day or 2. It's truly outrageous- but worth every penny!

Nick lives for the stinky cheese samples- the kid is a serious cheese connosseur. I wonder if Fromaggio Kitchen is still open in Cambridge? I have to bring him there. No matter how strong the cheese he loves it. Woofs it down....and then demands a hunk for home. Of course it's usually about $10 for a tiny piece of some imported artisan cheese with a name I can't pronounce- but anything for the kid right?

So we make our rounds, cheese samples, apple cider, fruit samples, a few bites from the antipasto bar, soup samples, fresh baked bread with organic butter and a few mini cookies. All free- its the best deal in town if you are post op! I had a complete meal and then some! Then it's time for lunch- for Nick. He gets his slice of wood oven pizza, a chicken tender, scoop of mac and cheese and a scoop of butternut squash. Its usually mostly for dinner after his sample fest. I pick up my favorite gluten free items and some Smart Life meat free pepperoni and bacon - so amazing- Lew doesn't even know the difference. Then we head for the customer service desk where they have a special treat bucket for the kids- Nick gets a free juice box and gold fish crackers. That's when I spot my old flame, Lake Champlain chocolate squares. Hands down my favorite chocolate. So at the risk of jinxing myself I have not to this point or to my knowledge dumped on sugar. From what I hear from others, I would know it. So I decide I will have a small square just for old times sake.
When we got to the car I took out my little treasure, and I felt just like Charlie from the Chocolate Factory, slowly unwrapping my little treat...which happened to come wrapped in shiny gold foil. It was pure pleasure that little taste of heaven...perfect. I was so satisfied with that little bite and thought how nice it was to really enjoy a taste and not want or need more. It was wonderful feeling so virtuous and 'normal' and it lasted the whole way home (10 minutes). That's when the old demons decided to come out to play. It turns out this surgery does not cure all and there is still much work to be done....despite the best medicine has to offer.
At this point I was full, satisfied and done eating. But I got in the door and the old chemical reactions kicked in. I truly believe in that theory now because I was like a drug addict looking for more and I didnt care how I got it. I found a lemon meringue pie in the fridge and ate about a half slice of that....then I hit the frosted sugar cookies left over from the party. I ate about half of a big Frankenstein before I realized what I was doing and freaked. I figured if ever I was going to dump- this would be it - and I was terrified. For those who dont know- dumping is a common side effect for post ops. It happens when you consume too much sugar or fat and your body can't process it. I thought I expeienced a mild version of it once right after surgary when I ate a sugar free pudding with too much sugar alcohol...but I am not sure. Basically you get like a diabetic reaction- fast heartbeat, shakes, sweats, dizzy, and some say you feel like you are going to have a heart attack. Sounds lovey right? Miraculously I did not have any reaction at all after eating all that crap- which kind of bummed me out in a weird way. I wanted to be punished for veering off my plan, to make sure I dont do it again, because I still feel like I cant trust myself to stay on track.

It is so frustrating to not be able to eat an egg or meatballs or healthy protein rich items that I want to have, but to be able to eat sugar and junk. That is where the challenge lies and I understand why so many people have a hard time the further they get from surgery. So I have been fine since that sugar side trip...I didnt like the way I felt, buzzed then tired and gross. I remember that feelng all too well and I do not miss it. But it was a reminder of how easy it would be to make bad choices and regress to a place I never want to be again.

It's been a good week overall, had some yummy gyro chicken from this Greek place I love near work over a salad and no problems...it lasted 4 meals but it was great!
Been working alot but I need the money so that's good. Might check out the Head of the Charles today and then we are going to Boo at the Stone Zoo tomorrow for a Halloween party and costume contest with our neighbors. Nick's Cha Cha costume is adorable- my mother in law did an amazing job- cant wait to see him in it! I have to figure out how to post pictures on this site. I'll ask the resident expert.

Thought for the day courtesty of Tom Petty

"I'm learning to fly, but I aint got wings. Coming down, is the hardest thing.
Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown. I started out God knows where, but I guess I'll know when I get there."